At the same time, it is hard to think of a forum where men can be as outspoken or vulnerable about their attraction – at least one that is not riddled with misogyny, such as those in the online “manosphere”. Of course, this is a reflection of historic and enduring power inequities: when mainstream understanding of heterosexuality is overwhelmingly informed by straight men, women are starting at a disadvantage. “It can definitely veer into shaming of feminine traits.”įrom Sex and the City to Married at First Sight to most contemporary discussions of dating and parenting, straight women’s frank and fulsome discussion of turn-offs is accepted and even applauded. He gives the example of women being turned off by men ordering a cocktail, or driving a “girly” car. But, among the weird and whimsical examples, Remmington has noticed a persistent strand of women crying “ick” over perceived shortcomings of masculinity. “One was ‘when he orders soup of the day’,” he laughs. Remmington can be sent as many as 2,000 icks in response to his weekly callout, mostly from straight women – and mostly daft.
Women, meanwhile, are generally extended the benefit of the doubt, though their icks may be just as shallow. A straight man who gets the ick over astrology, for instance – or pop music, or Instagram eyebrows: anything considered stereotypically feminine - may set feminist alarm bells ringing. The source of our individual turn-ons and turn-offs is not always easy to pinpoint in a culture that is so prescriptive about them. “When women get the ick, it’s normal, but when men get the ick, it’s sexism. “The straight men posing with fish: as much as I want to say we should be able to look past that, I certainly can’t,” he says. Singer and presenter Jack Remmington, 27, has been soliciting stories about icks from his Instagram followers for a year, and draws a parallel with dating app profiles. “It turned out she’d misunderstood the parameters of happy hour – but the unexpected rudeness took the wind out of my sails.” Ned, 29, likewise lost interest in a colleague before their second date had even got underway when she was dismissive to a homeless man on their way to the cinema.Įven seemingly innocuous icks can reveal fundamental differences in attitude or approach, which could be challenging to overcome in a relationship. Paul, 36, remembers being instantly turned off by a woman who otherwise “ticked all the boxes” after she exploded at bar staff over their bill. More than some essential list of turn-offs in either men or women, the ick may be best understood as an indicator of clashing sensibilities or values.
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“Really, it was the movie chatter that did it.” He was just grateful that they weren’t at the cinema, he adds. She stayed over, but we didn’t so much as kiss in the night.” When she pressed him the next day about what had gone wrong, “I told her she was lovely but I wasn’t feeling it,” Michael says. But at the woman’s “loud, incessant” commentary on the film, Michael says: “I shut down. Though they had not yet slept together, Michael had felt a strong connection on their earlier dates, and says they had planned this night at his house “knowing what it would likely lead to”. Michael, 32, describes having his desire instantly dissipate after his date talked all the way through the film they were watching ( Palm Springs, with Andy Samberg: “a solid picture”, he says). For straight men, it can be thornier to unpack. Among straight women, the ick is readily understood and unquestioned. “I don’t make the rules.” She’s half-joking, but it masks a relevant point. “When women get the ick, it’s normal, but when men get the ick, it’s sexism,” says Ebba, 30.
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Men and women both feel turn-ons and turn-offs, but they are not equally free to express them (TikTok videos about the ick, which are shared widely, are overwhelmingly made by women). Liam's confusion perhaps highlights the underlying disparities present in the discourse surrounding the ick. “It was so odd to me: I’d fallen out of fancying someone.” It was just a sharp moment in a bunch of other softer moments of me thinking: ‘This isn’t quite right’.” At the time, Liam admits, he was so unsettled by the sharp reversal in his feeling, he turned to Google to try to make sense of it. “As we spent more time together that growth wasn’t happening, and then I didn’t really want it to.
“Looking back, I just wasn’t quite connecting with her in a partner sense,” he says. Today Liam understands his visceral reaction as indicative of a deeper disconnect that would have inevitably become apparent in time.
This content can also be viewed on the site it originates from.įor men and women alike, the ick can be a trustworthy signal of a lack of connection or even incompatibility.
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